Thursday, November 18, 2004

Bill Maher is, and has been for a decade now, a God-like figure to me. In times of peace, in times of conflict, it's Bill Maher who sheds light on the darkness, who speaks real, concrete, truth. And shows me where I've been wrong. Even in the worst time, he always makes me laugh.

From the last episode of the season, three days after the election:

Stop saying that blue state people are out of touch with the values and morals of the red states. I'm not out of touch with them. I just don't share them. In fact, and I know this is about 140 years late, but to the Southern States, I would say, "Upon further consideration, you CAN go. I know that's what you've always wanted, and we've reconsidered. So go ahead. And take Texas with you."

You know what they say. If at first you don't secede, try, try again. And give my regards to President Charlie Daniels.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I almost forgot, this is the time of healing. The time when blue states and red states come together because we have so much to offer each other. "Spice Rack" meet "Gun Rack." "Picky about bottled water," say hello to "Drinks from a garden hose." "Bought an antique nightstand at an estate sale," meet "Uses a giant wooden spool he stole from the phone company as a coffee table."

Sorry, there I go again, kidding when I should be healing. Hey, say what you will about the Republicans, they do stand for something: Armageddon, but it's something. Democrats, on the other hand, have been coasting for years on Tom Daschle's charisma. But that's not enough anymore. Democrats will never win another election if they keep trying to siphon off votes from the Republicans. They will only win by creating a lot more Democrats. And you don't do that by trying to leach onto issues that you should be denouncing.

You wind up - you wind up in a goose-hunting outfit a week before the election--trying to appeal to guys who would sooner vote for the goose. Guys who even in down-to-earth, economically-ailing Ohio, thought blowjobs more important than job-jobs.

Hey, these folks aren't "undecideds." They're not in play. No, what the Democrats need are fresh, new ideas that are dumb and hateful enough to win these people over. You know, stuff like, "No drinking on Christmas." Or how about a Constitutional Amendment protecting the song, "God Bless America"? I say, let's put a fetus on the dollar bill! With Reagan!

And you know what country has been asking for an ass-kicking in the worst way? Finland. Yes, Democrats need a really, really stupid, meaningless and utterly symbolic issue. And by issue, of course, I mean, thing to hate.

How about this? An amendment that says people with gerbils are threatening the sanctity of pet ownership--and that from now on, pet owning will be defined only as the relationship between a person and his cat or dog.

Now, my opponent may disagree. That's because he's a fag.

So, Democrats - Democrats and liberals, stop saying you're going to move because Bush won. Real liberals should be pledging to stay because Bush won. Trust me, you can't get away from Bush by moving to France. Because that's where we're invading next.

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