"I will not fear. Fear is the mindkiller. I will not let it consume me." - Dune

I suffer. Daily. Stomach problems I've had since I was a teenager are flaming up, becoming deliberating, threatening to ruin me. I'm having trouble focusing on school, writing, friends. Everytime I've figured out how to defeat it, or at least keep it at a bay, it intensifies. Pain is becoming my lifestyle.

So, yeah, it's bad. I'm getting some medical insurance now and will hopefully see a doctor soon, but I have little hope a doctor can really help. He'll give me pills. I could take a guess (and be right) about what pills he'll give me and if I could, I'd skip the whole doctor thing and go straight to the Pharmacy. I've taken pills before, they help, for short periods of time. I usually end up stopping to take them even if they help. I can't stand the feeling of foreign chemicals throwing a party inside my body.

Today, though, in a desperation act, I was browsing medical websites and message boards, trying to find some hope, some treatment. I found many people, young people from the age of 20-25, like me, going through the same exact thing I am. There are many variations on IBS and no "miracle-drug" to just make it go away, but I did find people telling stories of how they cope. Some were extremely, extremely, depressing, because I completely related. The feeling of being trapped, staying home, terrified of going somewhere without immediate access to a bathroom. And although it is definitely a medical condition, the abdominal systems are connected to (something) in your brain. Stress, just like bad food, can cause pain. The main inspiration I got from these stories, then, was a resolute, steel-like, resolve: I WILL NOT SUFFER. I WILL NOT FEEL PAIN.

Sounds dumb, huh? Maybe. Sounds easy? Definitely not.

I often feel like a slave to my own body. It dictates what I can and cannot do. No longer. I know that I will feel pain, that by fighting I will probably make it worse for a short period of time, but then I ask myself, How much longer can you live like this? I've had this condition for years but it's never been as bad as is right now, right this instant.

I will not feel pain. I will not let it consume me.

Album of the Day: The Radio Dept. - Lesser Matters